Grounded by Dr Michael C. Nagel and Shelley Davidow book excerpt
Childhood is a brief, potent, potentially exquisite time that we only get to experience once. This relatively small window of time in our lives shapes so much of who we become as adults. What wounds will we carry? What capacities will we have to not only survive but thrive and fulfil our dreams in the world?
Parenthood, on the other hand, can seem to last an eternity. In terms of raising offspring, no other child-rearing species on the planet requires the lengthy and loving commitment that an adult human must deliver over many years. And even when children grow into adulthood, they never really leave their parents. Sure, they might be some distance away geographically, but children are forever connected to their parents, and parents are forever parenting, or so it might seem. Bearing all this in mind, we thought it would be helpful for parents to engage with ideas related to parenting that have stood the test of time, research that reinforces those ideas, and an optimistic look at what the world has to offer our children. We also thought it important to spend some time focusing on how parents can take care of themselves.
We are authors. However, we are also parents, educators and academics. For this book, we draw on our collective decades of research, parenting and hard-won insights and bring all of that together with this purpose: to offer parents (of tots to teens) a guide to protecting childhood and supporting children’s developing nervous systems while also taking care of their own. Fulfilling such a goal is not only good for the child but also good for the parent. The overall intent is to offer insights into how to minimise the effects of stress and support optimum cognitive, emotional and physiological development, at home, at school and out in the world. The guide is informed by neuroscientific, psychological and educational research and our own lived experiences as parents.
It is important for you to remember that we are parents, and we think that gives us a degree of “street cred” to go along with our professional personas. Drawing on all of this, we believe that if we want children to enjoy childhood and become happy, healthy adults in a world that can seem increasingly frightening to many, there is much we can do. No, we are not suggesting filling the lives of children with extracurricular activities to somehow build a vast array of capacities that might normally unfold if allowed to do so on their own. Instead, we contend that much of what we need to do is well understood in the research literature and through the experiences of past generations of parents. This is what we want to share with you. And as the title of the book states, this journey requires going “offroad” – getting off the “stress freeway” and doing the simple things. These things often fall by the roadside because parents believe they are time poor or that they must invest their energies into building their child’s academic résumés before they celebrate their fifth birthday. Things like just playing, being in nature, baking, making things, or allowing kids to simply be bored are forgotten or shunned in lieu of building the perfect child.
In order to support our beliefs, and hopefully influence yours, we lay out the developmental essentials that allow children to experience a grounded childhood that sets them up to be resilient, balanced, empathetic adults. As parents, we can do a lot to mitigate stress in their lives – but we also need to learn to allow them to fall and get back up again on their own. We can respond to our children’s challenges, issues and behaviours in ways that help them to not only survive but thrive, without having to designate “safe” spaces for them at every turn.
Now, we also would readily agree that the world we knew only a few short years ago has changed in some ways beyond recognition. We are troubled in the knowledge that as parents many of us are more anxious, concerned and protective of our children than previous generations of parents. The fallout of the last couple of years of global panic has impacted children significantly, raising their anxieties along with ours. In case you have forgotten, the world changed in a way we had never experienced in our lifetimes at the end of 2019. The events following the announcement of a coronavirus pandemic raised our anxiety and stress levels and – dare we say – traumatised us and our children.
Until that time, we – the authors – had never really used the word “trauma” as part of our regular vernacular. Sure, we knew of traumatic events and had heard of mental health issues such as post-traumatic stress disorder, but we had never really considered ourselves to be in a state of trauma. This in turn got us thinking about children and trauma. You see, as researchers, authors, educators, educators of future educators, and parents, we have an innate switch that, when flipped, shines a light of curiosity on anything to do with children. Once that light has been switched on, we often find ourselves asking questions about what we do to, and with, children and teens in our homes, in schools and out in the world.
The numerous disruptions to our lives during the pandemic have led us to believe, more strongly than ever, that it’s time to let children just be children. It might also interest you to know that the pandemic only exacerbated a worrying trend over the last couple of decades. Before the turn of the century, and according to most available psychological measures, children growing up in the modern industrialised western world were calmer, better adjusted, less impacted by mental health issues, more resilient and, most importantly, happier than their predecessors! So what happened? This is something we tease out in the pages that follow by taking a critical look at not only ourselves and our home environments but also our schools and attitudes about life and the world around us. We do so with a view to ensuring that our kids are not being treated as pawns to be anxiously moved along political or ideological pathways based on someone else’s preconceived notions of the world or their place in it. As educators, we think schools are especially significant environments to consider.
It is important to look at school environments because outside of the home this is where children spend most of their time. So much so that teachers are trained with some Latin in mind: in loco parentis is a phrase meaning “in the place of a parent” and it underpins the excellent work teachers do in schools. However, this transfer of parental responsibilities is limited and short-lived and should never exist without scrutiny. When children arrive at school every day, they are immersed in an environment that ideally should mirror aspects of the care, protection and behaviour of a home with a positive and responsible parent. This places a tremendous amount of moral and legal responsibility on teachers to create an environment of safety and security. Sometimes, however, well-meaning intentions in schools may actually be misplaced or misinformed, or may not mirror parental desires, resulting in unintended negative consequences. We will explore this in detail in the second section of this book.
As researchers, we also believe that anything we do to and with children should be based on the best available evidence, and with this in mind we offer insights into what constitutes healthy parental and educational practice for all children. The foundation for such insights are based on an optimistic outlook, supported by empirical evidence, suggesting that the world is actually in pretty good shape. Our children, and you, need to know that they, and you, will be okay. In spite of what you might see or hear via the news, the world is not a place of danger and despair. The opportunities for children today exceed those of any previous generation, and the information in this book will offer parents a foundation for considering what is really important for children to develop into healthily functioning teens and adults.
At its core, we offer this book as a parenting companion. Use what’s useful. Take it as a jump-off point. We don’t suggest that anyone should outsource their own wisdom and parenting intuition, nor their critical thinking. This sentiment permeates our writing and underpins our philosophies of life and learning and our belief that travelling off-road is often the best place to be. In order to get that journey started, here is what you can expect to explore in the following pages.
The first section of the book focuses on the home environment. We start by looking at key factors in healthy child development and unpack how the brain develops in utero and matures from birth. The focus here is on how this development can be fostered proactively and positively. We make reference to various aspects of development, but our primary focus is on cognitive and socioemotional development. We draw on decades of research in various branches of psychology coupled with contemporary insights from neuroscientific research to offer the reader key thoughts on the most important ingredients for ensuring healthy development.
With a foundation of understanding brain development in mind (pun intended), Chapter 2 then takes what we know about healthy development and describes what can hinder that process. The focus here is on the hearts and minds of young children. Specifically, we examine three significant mechanisms that can have a negative impact on overall development, namely anxiety, stress and trauma. We also look at these variables in the context of how you, the parent, can stay stress-free. Anxiety, stress and trauma may be interrelated in some ways, but each has a number of specific variables that are worthy of discussion when it comes to childhood and parenthood.
In the third and final chapter of this section of the book, we explore what is healthy for “tweens” and “teens”. Perhaps no other time in parenthood can be as challenging as that of the teenage years. Consequently, we look at how developmental changes through adolescence can be supported best by parents and how parents can further enhance the home environment when hormones take over the bodies and minds of their children. The second section of the book shifts the focus away from the home and into the wider environment. Chapter 4 begins by extending previous discussions and examining the pernicious nature of trauma.
We aim to extend the reader’s understanding of trauma by looking at some case studies to provide insights into the diverse nature of events that could be described as actually traumatic. We then look at the prevalence of trauma among current populations of children and what happens with traumatised children in school. We also note how “schooling”, the media and government bureaucracies might actually be contributing to anxiety, stress and trauma in children and teens. We wrap this chapter up by outlining the important role parents play in taking care of themselves and modelling how to face anxiety and stress.
Chapter 5 moves beyond the challenges noted in the previous chapter and further examines what educators can do to ensure that children thrive in their respective schooling environments. This examination is punctuated by poking holes in a number of well-intentioned educational initiatives. Current educational endeavour is rife with good intentions and seemingly commonsensical policies that we contend are, in fact, doing more harm than good. We think parents should know about this and be informed consumers of worthy educational practices founded in actual research rather than the whimsical notions of learning and teaching often found in glossy government reports.
After school, it’s time to look at the world. The third section of our book starts by exploring the myths and realities associated with growing up in our current social and cultural milieu. It is our contention that the 24/7 news cycle and the omnipresence of technology and social media have fostered stress, fear and anxiety for those yet to move into adulthood. We concede that there are challenges and safety concerns for raising healthy and happy young people, but fears around child safety, abduction, the plight of the planet and other “world fears” need to be tempered with the reality that on most measures the world is actually a better, safer place than the one often presented to children. Within this mindset, we explore how parents and teachers can build resilience and positivity in young people while also making the mind the best “safe space” available to all.
Chapter 7 then presents a cautionary tale of how society has travelled down a road of pathologising life and childhood, with fear permeating much of the cultural and social zeitgeist. We also posit that so much of what was simply seen as aspects of diversity among young people in previous generations has been enveloped within agendas that seek to diagnose (with the aim of “protecting”) current generations and young minds. This chapter is not about attributing any measure of blame to anyone or anything in particular but instead looks to nurture what has become known as a “growth mindset”.
The final section of the book is about being grounded and taking into account where you are in the moment. Chapter 8 opens this discussion by focusing on parents caring for themselves and ensuring their respective roles are not hijacked by anxiety or stress. We offer key strategies to enable adults, educators and parents alike to achieve a calm mind. It is our contention that this is the bedrock for ensuring that the same mind can support young people in the most positive way possible – which segues nicely into Chapter 9.
Chapter 9 is all about the “kids”! Within a framework of care and compassion, this chapter extends earlier insights into helping children deal with anxiety, stress and trauma. We focus on the importance of relationships and offer strategies on how adults can help children to calm their hearts and minds by supporting their nervous system. In order to help facilitate calmness, the chapter also offers evidence of the importance of the arts, nature and playfulness. We present insights into how those areas can act as a buffer against the competitive nature of “schooling” and as a better array of tools for helping children who are struggling. Sometimes the most potent things we can do to protect children are also the most commonsense approaches.
The final chapter of the book returns to you. It pulls all the key points from the previous chapters into a framework for working on the best version of you. We review the main points of the book and provide final thoughts on creating home and learning environments that “ground” children in the present, assist them to become themselves without fear and anxiety, and encourage parents, caregivers and teachers to go “off-road” and find the pathways that work to support optimal development. We aim to remind adults who care for and work with children that there is a toolkit for nurturing healthy hearts and minds, and that toolkit begins with you.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Buy Dr Michael C. Nagel and Shelley Davidow's book, Grounded here.
