Introduction

What is it that gets you out of bed every morning? What helps you to face a day when you can’t be totally sure what’s ahead? What helps you look forward and make plans for the future? It’s likely the feeling of hope, a sense of confidence about the future, the belief that our actions will lead us to where we want to be, that we will have a degree of control over what’s happening, and that we will be able to cope with what’s ahead. Perhaps it’s also knowing that we will have people around us who can help if needed. So, what happens when we feel a deep uncertainty about our future lives or recognise that we have very little control over our future? What does this mean for children and how adults support them?

When parents are asked what they want and hope for their children, they typically respond that they want their children to be happy. This makes good sense. Parents don’t like to see their children upset or struggling. However, in many ways having happiness as a goal is quite problematic. Firstly, we know that happiness is not a simple idea that is easily achieved just by striving for it. Secondly, focusing on happiness as a goal in itself risks minimising what the child’s actual experience might be, leaving a child without the emotional literacy and skills to deal with all of life’s experiences, particularly those times when they don’t feel happy. It risks teaching a child to silence all those feelings that don’t fit with happiness. Thirdly, it is simply impossible for any of us to be happy all the time. If we think about living a rich and fulfilling life, we necessarily will experience a range of emotional experiences which we can choose to embrace and use to understand ourselves. It could be that we learn most about ourselves and the world around us from those experiences that are most uncomfortable and difficult to manage at the time. They are likely to be the experiences that help to define us, reveal what is most important and clarify the way forward.

During the last several decades we have increasingly become aware that children experience their lives in ways that are both similar and different to adults. Children can be more alert and aware of the situations around them than adults realise. They can have strong emotions that are based on a reality that matters to them. They can feel confused and uncertain. In recent years we’ve started to understand that this is all related to children’s mental health. We are better now at recognising that children’s behaviour tells us about their inner world and is connected to their mental health. Early childhood settings and schools are now expected to incorporate mental health, wellbeing and/or social and emotional learning programs into their curriculum and to assess children’s social and emotional capabilities. We have begun to recognise that individual children can have different needs and ways of seeing the world, with children living with varying abilities and some living with neurodiversity.

Some of these learnings were enhanced during the Covid-19 pandemic. Living and working as a psychologist in Melbourne during our many lockdowns in 2020 and 2021 helped me to reflect on what we might take for granted and what we all need to live in a way that is satisfying and enjoyable. That time gave us an opportunity to gain an appreciation of how the way we live our lives, spend time, and connect with each other affects how we feel about ourselves and cope with our day-to-day life. With our schools and community venues closed and visits to family and friends restricted, we needed to focus more inwardly, beginning to question what it means to live a satisfying life. We also understood the need to do this for the good of others, for the community. We initially had a sense of “being in it together”. We recognised the unusual phenomenon that the pandemic was and could see ourselves as people living through a period of history that would be significant, even if we didn’t fully understand what it meant at the time. Over time our understandings and tolerance shifted as the difficulties worsened. We started to see that some of us were more deeply impacted than others. Parents had to make sense of the experience for themselves as well as for their children. As adults, we can have a sense of perspective that places this kind of unique experience in context – it’s highly unusual, it’s a period of time rather than being forever, and it’s something we can best get through by supporting each other. Children on the other hand could not possibly have that kind of perspective. The younger the child, the larger the proportion of their lives the pandemic took up, making it harder to envision a sense of future. Their day-today experiences, where they learn about the world around them through living in the here and now to develop their social and emotional skills with others, were restricted.

Over time, the impact of the pandemic on children began to be seen, and we are continuing to see the impact of the lockdowns and that time of uncertainty on children’s development, family relationships, and the capacity of schools to cope. While there was some recognition that time spent at home without the pressures of a busy lifestyle had some benefits, there was also a lot of concern about children missing out on education, pressures on parents to support children to learn at home and, especially, children’s lack of opportunities for social engagement. The pandemic highlighted what a child needs to grow and learn well. We also started to see how families benefit from having supports around them and sharing the responsibility of raising a child. We may have known much of this already, but the experience of the pandemic helped us to home in on what was most important, in a way that is difficult when life is busy with many competing demands. Taking time to stop and reflect when faced with a challenge can help us to see through the fog of the daily tasks of our lives and pinpoint what is most important.

It’s appealing to think about childhood as an idyllic time that’s carefree and happy, with no responsibilities – a time to have fun before the stresses of adolescence and adulthood fall on us. In recent years, however, this protective bubble has begun to burst and we’ve started to understand that children can also experience mental health difficulties. Many adults describe their own childhoods as less than idyllic, but there’s often been a silence around this kind of experience. This new awareness, and willingness to see what is really happening for children, has led to a focus on mental health support in schools and information to help parents recognise the signs of an emerging mental health problem.

This newfound awareness around mental health concerns in children is useful, but if, as often happens with new knowledge, the pendulum swings towards a focus on mental illness, we may miss the opportunity to focus on positive mental health – what it is that helps children to develop and thrive. Trying to understand mental health in the same way as physical health has led to some confusion and misinformation. Our physical and mental health are linked, but our mental health is in many ways less visible than physical health. There are no x-rays or blood tests to diagnose mental health problems. We certainly need to recognise the signs of mental health problems, assess and diagnose them and then have effective treatments that include the child within the context of their family, school and community. However, if our only discourse about mental health is in the context of problems and illness, we are not prioritising all the ways we can understand and promote positive mental health. These opportunities occur for children, families, schools and communities every day, in every interaction, in every attempt at doing something new or different, in every achievement – and of course in every challenge. If we start to see the ways that both achievements and challenges can help build positive mental health, we can start to help children’s self-awareness and self-knowledge develop early on and continue to build over time. This not only makes their childhood more enjoyable but also sets them up well for adolescence and even adulthood. We’ve known since the days of Freud that those early years of life are significant and can set the path for future life. Knowing how to feel confident and enjoy life is perhaps the foundation of being able to remain hopeful.

In my work with children and parents as a psychologist, I aim to help parents to get to know their children better, to listen and work towards understanding them, as they continue to develop, to be warm and caring but also confident to provide guidance and place limits on their behaviour when required. Children benefit from an authoritative parenting style where rules are explained, they know what is going on, and they are encouraged to make decisions as much as is developmentally appropriate at any point in time. This helps children feel confident and capable of making their own decisions when not with their parents. If they feel they have a voice in the family, they will grow up better understanding how to speak up and ask for help. If parents help children to understand
themselves through everyday opportunities, children will become more literate in mental health concepts and able to apply them more independently over time. The way parenting occurs is particularly important during times of uncertainty and stress. The impact of parenting experiences echoes well into the future.

In my work with adults, I am often aware that I’m actually witnessing and helping the person deal with the outcomes of parenting styles where they, as children, were not heard or respected. In those situations, children didn’t have a voice and were not provided with support to understand themselves. This leaves their adult selves confused about who they are and often overwhelmed when trying to negotiate an enduring relationship with their parents (and others). It’s hard to remain hopeful when feeling so overwhelmed over a long period of time. It’s hard also to watch people struggling to find hope or reluctant to trust that being hopeful won’t harm them. Perhaps the art of turning up for help is a significant act towards hope.

I’m aware of the responsibility I feel in helping people to find ways to have hope that is realistic and fosters a desire to keep trying. These experiences have consolidated my view about the importance of parents being supported to understand their children’s development and more able to create environments where children have a voice and can be supported to express their feelings safely and with growing confidence. This will go a long way towards instilling a sense of hope and possibility for children into the future.

Dr Lyn O'Grady

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Buy Dr Lyn O'Grady's book, Keeping Our Children Hopeful here.